The Neighbor Chronicles…

My neighbor – wait, OLD neighbor – is a real piece of work.

Just to kick things off, most people like me.  I mean, sometimes there’s a person that doesn’t like me (they’re usually jerkoffs), and when I meet someone, I’m not always the most open person right off the bat, but once we’re pals – giddiyup!  Point is – people don’t usually go from “liking me” to “hating me”.  It’s generally the opposite.  And I can honestly say that in 30 years, there’s only been one person that legit hated me – and that’s just because I punched her in the mouth (don’t call my mom names).

Okay so my original neighbor at my old apartment was AWESOME.  It was this little, older italian man and his friends.  Every Wednesday they had family night, and they’d cook and sit in the back drinking wine with the lights on; and they’d make plates for us, and give my dog bones.

Wonderful people.  OG neighbor bought himself a house (yay!) and moved (boo!).  The people rented the house out to this guy in his 40s, recently divorced, with an odd similarity to Danny DeVito (physically only, not personality wise).  We met, and he seemed like an okay guy.  He had two dogs, his fat, sloppy beagle and a little terrier type dog that apparently was staying with him on behalf of his daughter.

My dog is relatively dog friendly; she is a pit bull, but I socialized her from adoption.  I used to live in an area with a lot of dogs, and a dog park, and we’d go there every night and over the weekend, giving her time to play with other dogs and get accustomed – not one fight.  With her being a “bully” breed, I didn’t want anyone to have just reason to give us problems.

That being said, Danny DeVito’s dog did NOT like mine.  My dog doesn’t listen to a word I say, but she isn’t aggressive.  His, unfortunately is.  It also barks 24 hours a day.  Literally – 24 hours a day.  I started by trying to ask him to do something about it.  Maybe, pay attention to the dog  or muzzle it.  Or rip its goddamn vocal chords out-  just shut it the f*ck up.  I remember specifically one day, that thing was barking well into the night – and I was going to the gym around 430 in the morning, and going to sleep around 8 or 9 PM.  So I’m exhausted, and its fall, so my window is open and I can hear this thing barking and barking and barking.  I went to see if DD was home – nope.  So I leave a note on his door “Next time that f*cking thing barks all night I’m calling animal control”.  The next morning, when I left for the gym I kicked his door so it would bark, and on my way home I had my first exchange with him, to the extent of “If I can’t f*cking sleep, you can’t f*cking sleep”.  Veins popping out of my neck and all (obviously I was all juiced up from lifting at the gym) – he later told my landlord he thought I was going to punch him in the face.  I was.

That just kind of set the tone for our relationship.  I hated him and his dog, he hated me.  The dogs would fight between the fence, so I wouldn’t leave mine outside unattended – he didn’t extend the same courtesy.

The only way you can describe him is “A Fat, Obnoxious, Inconsiderate A$$hole”.  I could hear him breathing from his house, he wouldn’t shovel his walkway when it snowed, he’s just awful.

Fast Forward to me outside drinking beers with my other neighbor (which was strange, because according to DD, the whole block hated me), and we’re having a nice afternoon – grilling, getting sauced up, all that good stuff.  DD gets home, gives me the stink eye, and continues on his merry way.

Usually my dog is on a leash when she’s in the yard, but I guess with the people around and the food, I didn’t think it was necessary, which was a mistake.  She slipped out, and ran next door, attacking the neighbors dog. 

Like, paws-on-its-belly-trying-to-disembowel-it-attack. 

All hell breaks loose.  DD starts yelling at me, I’m yelling back, the guys down the block come running and start yelling at him, the neighbor I was hanging out with starts  yelling at him (at one point threatening to “burn his house down.  I’m a fireman, I know how to do it”).  I think that he truly thought everyone hated me, and if he were to berate me, the neighbors would band together against me and “take his side” (yea, what are we, 12?).  When it came down to it, the exact opposite occurred, turning into a roast at his expense.

At the end of the day, my dog still got loose and attacked his dog (which was also loose).  He attempted a law suit, he tried to get her put down, he tried to sue me – all of these were in vain; but it still lead to an uncomfortable living situation.  Aside from being a b!tch to him…and remember when I said that people usually like me?  Once they don’t; or I don’t like them, I am mean.  I’m not proud of it (eh, maybe a little), but I have the strange ability to know what a person’s weakness is, and exploit it.  And I make great b!tchfaces/smirks/etc.; my insane landlord decided to revert back to the mentality of a 12 year old socially disturbed child and began doing things like egging his car, house, patio; threatening to poison his dog, threatening to kill him – all sorts of nonsense.

You could cut the tension with a knife – between the a$$hole next door, the goddamn barking and the psycho upstairs, I was living in crazy town.

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