about a week ago, I read an article about people who do annoying things on Facebook, and what some of them are: minute by minute breakdown of their day, overabundance of CAPS and EXCLAMATION POINTS!!!!!!, awkward status updates about why they’re miserable, and – one of my biggest pet peeves – misuse of words that are similar – their/they’re/there, red/read, your/you’re.

It was one of those articles that is so funny because what the author is saying is so true, pointing out that girls will take a picture of their feet in a circle and upload it, and then tag all the people they’re with.  Or someone will put something on their Facebook status that makes the readers uncomfortable, mostly about their personal business that people you’re acquainted with have no business knowing (my husband just gave me a black eye!  But he’s SORRY!!!!!).

Now, don’t get me wrong, I am on Facebook.  And when it first came out, or the days I’m bored, I am all up in Facebook.  All over it.  All over my friends walls, looking at their pictures, researching people I don’t know (Facebook stalking – a much-loved pass-time of mine), poking people.  The good stuff.  God forbid there’s a day that Facebook creates a “who’s looked at your page” application that wasn’t SPAM or a hacker, I’d have a lot of explaining to do.  I use Facebook as a social medium.  I think it’s there so you can connect to other people, not so you can hide from reality. 

While we have the creepers that are vicariously living through Facebook, we also have the total opposite – people who don’t have Facebook.  Not because I think they are out of touch, but because its my way of keeping on top of what people are doing without actually talking to them.  I don’t want to call you, I want to see the picture of your new baby (not the ultrasound, that creeps me out.  And not when it’s wrinkly and gross newborn, when its got something cute to comment on.  I can’t even tell someone I don’t want to be their Facebook friend (you’ll see), how in the World will I be able to tell them their baby is ugly?).  And then I want to tell you by “liking” the picture, I don’t want to go pretend to want to hold it.

While there isn’t anything I love more than a good Facebook argument, I get very easily annoyed on Facebook.  I hate when people will send me a comment or something, and then say “hey, did you see my comment?”  Sure did, Ace.  Problem is, it wasn’t very funny, so I couldn’t write anything back.  Similar to when people ask me if I got their email.   You sent a read receipt.  If I had something to say back to you, I would have, now get off my phone, you’re interrupting Pandora.

I block people like its going out of style.  I used to “unfriend” people, but I got called out on that a few times.  After the initial shock that some actually realized I “unfriend-ed them” (I’d have no idea if I was un-friended.  Unless it was by like, my father – and don’t you do it Dad or I’ll tell Mom on you!); I’d sheepishly make an excuse that I must’ve done it by accident or because there was a glitch.  For some reason, I feel guilty telling someone “you and I met 15 years ago, and I honestly don’t know you” or “truth be told, I don’t find you very interesting” or, even worse “I don’t like you in person, why do I have to like you on Facebook?”

So, I wind up “re-friending” these creeps (is that even a word?).  And then block you.  Sometimes, if I really want to punish them, they won’t be allowed to see any of my pictures.  Trust me, that’s a huge loss.  What I’m really doing is saving myself from having to read your mind-numbingly boring updates about your doggie making a poo, or your broken finger nail.  How arrogant are you, that you’d think anyone truly cares you filled your car up with gas? 

Hint: we don’t.  And the people who DO care or comment on those mundane things are just as bizarrely socially awkward as you.

One of my favorite unfriending stories was my exboyfriend – who I dated when I was in college, and we broke up years and years ago.  I didn’t want to be his friend in the first place, so when he friend requested me, I begrudgedly accepted, waited the traditional three days, and deleted him.  Well, his mom emailed me on Facebook, asking me why I didn’t want to be his friend anymore, and why I thought he was still single.  They must’ve caught me on a good day because I had no qualms telling them what I thought:

“He and I aren’t friends in real life.  And he’s a douche-bag.  Do you really want to ask his ex girlfriend why he is single?  I can give you a list, but I think there’s a limit as to how many words this email can contain”

Strangely enough, I think she defriended me afterwards.  B-tch.

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