oh for the Love of God People

#nonreligiousGodofcourse lest I offend anyone.

I love the internet. I love social media. I love how the different platforms can bring so many people together, and spark unity/outrage/conversation/discussions/growth/knowledge/awareness.

That being said – are you friggin people kidding me? The internet is making ya’ll dumb. Or ignorant – whichever classification you prefer. Guys – not everything you read on the internet is true. I know its unbelievable:

 

"BONJOUR"

“BONJOUR”

 

But its true (see the irony? THIS is on the internet.  SO its TRUE).

It’s very, very easy to believe everything you read.  I know this.  I re read your moronic posts every day – and I’m not talking about all of you – I’m talking about you über conservatives, or you ultra liberals that tap into your own political sites and spew your crap all over the internet.  MY internet.  That I LOVE.  And then – when people disagree with you, or begin to comment on what you’re talking about, you take one of two routes:

1. Insult them

2. Delete their comment

Which, at the end of the day, is fine.  You can do whatever you want on the internet.  I mean, it IS mine…but its also yours.  So go circulate your skewed “intellect” and your bizarre, often unfounded claims.  And ignore people when they try to discuss with you (because if your view isn’t shared, it’s clearly incorrect), but you’re only hurting yourself.  There’s so much knowledge and information, and such great debates to be had.  If the only response you have to someone disagreeing with you is: “your an idiot”…well…
facepalm

 

I rest my case.

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mawwwwwwage

Recently I went to a friend’s wedding.  During the ceremony, and the reception there after, you could literally see the happiness shooting off this fella and his bride. If I had that hippy-dippy ability to read people’s aura’s, theirs would be a blazing hot pink surrounded by rainbows. It was great to see, and it made me reflect on the past few weddings I’d been to.

 

But the Background should be pink

But the Background should be pink

 

A friend of mine got married a little over a year ago.  And we had been friends for a really long time.  I’m talking, upwards of a decade.  In that situation, you really want nothing more than to be thrilled and excited your friend was getting married.  He found the person he wanted to share the rest of his life with, hooray!

(This sort of ties into my previous post, about my inability to sugarcoat things, and if I should even say anything…the quandry…blah blah blah )

A while before my friend walked down the aisle, I met his then-girlfriend-soon-to-be-fiancee.  I didn’t know her very well, but she seemed very sweet…funny, entertaining, in love – and she seemed to take good care of my friend – which is awesome.  We hung out a few times after that, and I truly enjoyed her company.

I clearly remember where everything changed.

::cue ominous music::

One evening, we gathered as a group to one of my favorite local restaurants that was doing this great event called a “Beer and Bourbon” night, where they close down the restaurant, create a special 5 course meal paired with craft beers and Bourbons.  Its so awesome.  So, SO awesome.  We were all having fun, hanging out, and my friend’s girlfriend peers over her beer and goes “JoJo.  I broke him”.  Confused, and assuming there’s a joke somewhere, I got “Well how come?  I didn’t know he was broken!”

“he’s going to marry me!”

::confusion is starting to settle in::

“…okay…that’s great!”

My friend now interjects, and tells me this little story about how his girlfriend updated her Facebook status to “engaged”, spinning a little web of deceit.  He only found out after some of his friends started to text and congratulate him, looking to portray this is a funny joke.  A gag.  Now, I am not the girl who thinks its cool to drag your man down the aisle.  It is not a good look.  Not for me, not for you – not for anyone (and I can pull off orange taffeta).  I truly believe if you are going to marry someone, they have to want to marry you.  Enough to ask.  Of their own volition.  And if they don’t, or you have to trick them into it…you’re simply setting yourself up for failure.

As the evening goes on, she continues to tell me how there is a time frame in when they will be engaged, and then married, and then have children.  If the time frame gets delayed, she has a plan to move it along…by “forgetting” to take her birth control pills.

Hard Stop Number Two.

Yeah, that’s me.  Speechless.

At the end of the day, the only thing you can do is tell your friend the truth.  Which I did.  Afterwards, I continued to hear some horrible things she was doing, and saying about people I care a lot about – people I had been friends with for a very, very long time.  I could clearly see the kind of person she was underneath the exterior she was using to blind my friend.  He couldn’t – and it put a strain on our friendship.  It got to a point where he said to me (after one particularly ridiculous incident at their wedding – mind you, I’m trying to keep this story as vague as possible.  My friends know who I’m talking about, and so will he, but I don’t want to hurt his feelings with all the repulsive details about this woman) that he didn’t think I treated his wife with the respect she deserved.

I disagree, I think I treated her with more respect than she deserved.  If it were my choice, I would never have associated with her again, after I read a text she sent to a mutual friend saying she wanted to punch my friend out – for reasons that are so insignificant and immature – or told me she wanted to trap my friend into marriage by getting knocked up.  And we haven’t spoken, really, since his wedding – which makes me a little sad.

And this, friends, is one of the casualties of not being able to censor what you think of people.

Ain’t No Sugar Coats Here

A few weeks ago, a friend asked me for my opinion.  She prefaced it with “I am asking you this because I know you are going to tell me the truth, even if I don’t want to hear it”.  And she’s right.  While I never set out to hurt anyone’s feelings (friends and family), I’m not the girl you turn to if you want someone to “yes” you, or agree with you.

We all have those friends, or those people in our lives – and we need them.  Sometimes I just need someone to say “yes, Jo, eat that entire pint of Ben and Jerrys Nutella Core Ice Cream.  You had a salad for lunch and walked the dog today so it totally burned off those calories” not “eesh…thats like 1700 calories, you know its bikini season, right?”.  But when we come down to the important things – career, advice, family, financial, marriage – if you’re doing something stupid and you don’t want to hear it, just don’t involve me in your plans.  I’ll even listen to you after it blows up, and try to help you…I’ll never say “I told you so” but deep down inside I’m thinking “I wish you just listened to me in the first place”.

I’m not unreasonable.  I know that people don’t always follow logic.  I know that you are buying a new car for $60,000 and a $500 a month car payment that eats gas and costs an arm and a leg in insurance because you really, really want it…even though you’re on a tuna fish and ramen noodle budget…I just cannot physically tell you its a good idea.  My tongue will literally turn around, crawl down my throat and choke me before I tell you its okay to wear creamsicle taffeta overlay on a corset to work.

Not OK

Not OK

 

This can become a problem, though.  One that’s been detrimental to my friendships and relationships.  It has been, on more than one occasion.  Enough of a problem that I’ve considered biting my tongue sometimes and just not saying what I felt.

Considered…but won’t.  If I become that girl who censors herself because she might be afraid her friends won’t see it for what it is – straight concern for the people I love – then my friends won’t be able to put their faith in what I’m saying to them, all the time, is honest.

I still won’t break your horns for eating ice cream though.  IF you bring me a spoon and share.

looooooooooonatiiiiiics!

It’s no secret (clearly) that I attract a lot of weird/crazy/fabulously strange/inherently awful people to me.  I consider it a blessing, almost, occasionally in disguise.  I wouldn’t trade my friends or family for another, ever – nor my “enemies”.  I mean, everyone has to have a bit of conflict in their life, and mine typically presents itself in the form of people who are generally lacking in self-worth.

My Dog Walker, on the other hand, is the opposite.  She’s wonderfully weird, and she always cracks me up – not to mention she absolutely adores my dog – I get it, cause my dog is a trip – but Puppy does have the tendency to over power people or be a little intimidating if you don’t know how to handle her.

Similar to me.

So I found my Dog Walker by accident.  I was interviewing people, and one woman who my vet recommended didn’t want to travel to where my old apartment was, and recommended my current Dog Walker (not for nothing, my town is literally 7 miles from end to end, you must be pretty lazy not to get across town.  Or, there was another reason that she didn’t want to convey).

Since then, my Dog Walker has been incredibly reliable.  She comes every day I ask her to, if I text her and I’m going to be late, she walks and feeds my dog, she rubs her belly, sends me random videos of them gallivanting about town, brings me presents to decorate my apartment (that she helped me find to keep me from moving to a different boro).

Yesterday, she texts me in the morning, apologizing because she lost my key.  No big deal, I’ll just leave her a new one the following morning (she lost it because she was playing with balloons for a baby and her keys fell into a gutter).

Later, I get a video of her and my poochie wandering around my complex.  Curious how she got inside, I listened to the narration of her video.  She cracked the window open and my dog leapt out the window.

Yep, leapt out the window.  And when she finished, she picked up my 60 pound pit bull and put her back through the window.

She felt so bad that my dog would go 8 hours without a walk that she broke into my apartment.

I admire the dedication in the woman…but my super literally lives next door to me and has a spare, so she didn’t technically need to break into my apartment.  And what the hell kind of guard dog do I have that leaps out a window to greet her thief?

facewho?

about a week ago, I read an article about people who do annoying things on Facebook, and what some of them are: minute by minute breakdown of their day, overabundance of CAPS and EXCLAMATION POINTS!!!!!!, awkward status updates about why they’re miserable, and – one of my biggest pet peeves – misuse of words that are similar – their/they’re/there, red/read, your/you’re.

It was one of those articles that is so funny because what the author is saying is so true, pointing out that girls will take a picture of their feet in a circle and upload it, and then tag all the people they’re with.  Or someone will put something on their Facebook status that makes the readers uncomfortable, mostly about their personal business that people you’re acquainted with have no business knowing (my husband just gave me a black eye!  But he’s SORRY!!!!!).

Now, don’t get me wrong, I am on Facebook.  And when it first came out, or the days I’m bored, I am all up in Facebook.  All over it.  All over my friends walls, looking at their pictures, researching people I don’t know (Facebook stalking – a much-loved pass-time of mine), poking people.  The good stuff.  God forbid there’s a day that Facebook creates a “who’s looked at your page” application that wasn’t SPAM or a hacker, I’d have a lot of explaining to do.  I use Facebook as a social medium.  I think it’s there so you can connect to other people, not so you can hide from reality. 

While we have the creepers that are vicariously living through Facebook, we also have the total opposite – people who don’t have Facebook.  Not because I think they are out of touch, but because its my way of keeping on top of what people are doing without actually talking to them.  I don’t want to call you, I want to see the picture of your new baby (not the ultrasound, that creeps me out.  And not when it’s wrinkly and gross newborn, when its got something cute to comment on.  I can’t even tell someone I don’t want to be their Facebook friend (you’ll see), how in the World will I be able to tell them their baby is ugly?).  And then I want to tell you by “liking” the picture, I don’t want to go pretend to want to hold it.

While there isn’t anything I love more than a good Facebook argument, I get very easily annoyed on Facebook.  I hate when people will send me a comment or something, and then say “hey, did you see my comment?”  Sure did, Ace.  Problem is, it wasn’t very funny, so I couldn’t write anything back.  Similar to when people ask me if I got their email.   You sent a read receipt.  If I had something to say back to you, I would have, now get off my phone, you’re interrupting Pandora.

I block people like its going out of style.  I used to “unfriend” people, but I got called out on that a few times.  After the initial shock that some actually realized I “unfriend-ed them” (I’d have no idea if I was un-friended.  Unless it was by like, my father – and don’t you do it Dad or I’ll tell Mom on you!); I’d sheepishly make an excuse that I must’ve done it by accident or because there was a glitch.  For some reason, I feel guilty telling someone “you and I met 15 years ago, and I honestly don’t know you” or “truth be told, I don’t find you very interesting” or, even worse “I don’t like you in person, why do I have to like you on Facebook?”

So, I wind up “re-friending” these creeps (is that even a word?).  And then block you.  Sometimes, if I really want to punish them, they won’t be allowed to see any of my pictures.  Trust me, that’s a huge loss.  What I’m really doing is saving myself from having to read your mind-numbingly boring updates about your doggie making a poo, or your broken finger nail.  How arrogant are you, that you’d think anyone truly cares you filled your car up with gas? 

Hint: we don’t.  And the people who DO care or comment on those mundane things are just as bizarrely socially awkward as you.

One of my favorite unfriending stories was my exboyfriend – who I dated when I was in college, and we broke up years and years ago.  I didn’t want to be his friend in the first place, so when he friend requested me, I begrudgedly accepted, waited the traditional three days, and deleted him.  Well, his mom emailed me on Facebook, asking me why I didn’t want to be his friend anymore, and why I thought he was still single.  They must’ve caught me on a good day because I had no qualms telling them what I thought:

“He and I aren’t friends in real life.  And he’s a douche-bag.  Do you really want to ask his ex girlfriend why he is single?  I can give you a list, but I think there’s a limit as to how many words this email can contain”

Strangely enough, I think she defriended me afterwards.  B-tch.

“Occupy My Balls Street”

Just when I think my ex boyfriend WON’T say something to make me laugh or surprise me…..”Occupy My Balls Street” comes out of his mouth.

So this OWS nonsense is coming to head in NYC with the protesters getting restless. I’m the first to say that I don’t follow the news, politics, anything but it gets my feathers ruffled when people bad mouth the NYPD.

I have a lot of friends that are cops. I know that to the core, NYPD is a strong group of good men and women. Are there bad eggs? Yes. But there are bad eggs in my office, doesn’t mean my whole company is corrupt.

Facebook is essentially an electronic soapbox. And I like to argue. 98% of the time I’m just arguing to argue but once you start bashing NYPD I actually have a position and a passion about what I’m saying.

Involved in a pretty solid back and forth on a friends “status” about OWS with complete strangers, the police were brought up…as if on cue, my old boyfriend texts me something silly, like a picture of his foot or car or candy bar.

Me: not now, I’m caught up in a back and forth on occupy wall street and the NYPD (he’s a cop)

Ex: Occupy My Balls Street.

Ha you jerk. Since you put it that way, let’s all watch the JETs game. OWS will be there tomorrow.