oh for the Love of God People

#nonreligiousGodofcourse lest I offend anyone.

I love the internet. I love social media. I love how the different platforms can bring so many people together, and spark unity/outrage/conversation/discussions/growth/knowledge/awareness.

That being said – are you friggin people kidding me? The internet is making ya’ll dumb. Or ignorant – whichever classification you prefer. Guys – not everything you read on the internet is true. I know its unbelievable:

 

"BONJOUR"

“BONJOUR”

 

But its true (see the irony? THIS is on the internet.  SO its TRUE).

It’s very, very easy to believe everything you read.  I know this.  I re read your moronic posts every day – and I’m not talking about all of you – I’m talking about you über conservatives, or you ultra liberals that tap into your own political sites and spew your crap all over the internet.  MY internet.  That I LOVE.  And then – when people disagree with you, or begin to comment on what you’re talking about, you take one of two routes:

1. Insult them

2. Delete their comment

Which, at the end of the day, is fine.  You can do whatever you want on the internet.  I mean, it IS mine…but its also yours.  So go circulate your skewed “intellect” and your bizarre, often unfounded claims.  And ignore people when they try to discuss with you (because if your view isn’t shared, it’s clearly incorrect), but you’re only hurting yourself.  There’s so much knowledge and information, and such great debates to be had.  If the only response you have to someone disagreeing with you is: “your an idiot”…well…
facepalm

 

I rest my case.

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The Golden Rule…

…my parents brought me up on that, and it’s relatively easy.  “do unto others, as they do unto you”

The reason I thought of this was because my ole land lord, y’all remember her, right? Well, she called me earlier today telling me that her home owners insurance wasn’t going to cover the issue with my neighbor, dog and myself.  She retained a lawyer for 5000 dollars, and was hoping I would split the fee with her. Apparently, if I split a lawyer, we will definitely win.  And the fee is reimbursed.

While I’m all for splitting payments I’m pretttttttty sure she is, what I like to call “full of sh-t”.

I don’t recall getting any instruction of pending lawsuits against me. And I’m not exactly a ghost, my name and number aren’t private, neither is my address. Or the rest of my family, we all share a last name, and there’s probably about 78 thousand of us floating around Gotham.

Methinks she’s upset she’s getting sued, and she wants me to chip in by trying to make me believe I am getting sued as well.

Advice: no one will put a judgment against you without you knowing. They’ll find you. Don’t do anything until they do.

She was clearly banking on the fact that even though I have a giant ego, and I’m a narcissist oddly enough, I occasionally have a soft heart, but I’m not going to let some old broad try and scam me!

The situation got grossly out of hand when she started acting like a child and egging the neighbors car, house, property. And her threats to kill him and his dog, I’m sure didn’t help.

In any event, it’s not my problem until it’s actually my problem. And I’m not giving that crazy broad any more money, she was a horrible landlord who cut abundant corners in the upkeep of her house, our apartment (and herself).

Karma can be quite a bitch, I’m so curious how her situation will turn out, and his.

I kinda want to go on Judge Judy though. If THAT is going to happen I am on board, I’d be a goddamn super star on that show.

facewho?

about a week ago, I read an article about people who do annoying things on Facebook, and what some of them are: minute by minute breakdown of their day, overabundance of CAPS and EXCLAMATION POINTS!!!!!!, awkward status updates about why they’re miserable, and – one of my biggest pet peeves – misuse of words that are similar – their/they’re/there, red/read, your/you’re.

It was one of those articles that is so funny because what the author is saying is so true, pointing out that girls will take a picture of their feet in a circle and upload it, and then tag all the people they’re with.  Or someone will put something on their Facebook status that makes the readers uncomfortable, mostly about their personal business that people you’re acquainted with have no business knowing (my husband just gave me a black eye!  But he’s SORRY!!!!!).

Now, don’t get me wrong, I am on Facebook.  And when it first came out, or the days I’m bored, I am all up in Facebook.  All over it.  All over my friends walls, looking at their pictures, researching people I don’t know (Facebook stalking – a much-loved pass-time of mine), poking people.  The good stuff.  God forbid there’s a day that Facebook creates a “who’s looked at your page” application that wasn’t SPAM or a hacker, I’d have a lot of explaining to do.  I use Facebook as a social medium.  I think it’s there so you can connect to other people, not so you can hide from reality. 

While we have the creepers that are vicariously living through Facebook, we also have the total opposite – people who don’t have Facebook.  Not because I think they are out of touch, but because its my way of keeping on top of what people are doing without actually talking to them.  I don’t want to call you, I want to see the picture of your new baby (not the ultrasound, that creeps me out.  And not when it’s wrinkly and gross newborn, when its got something cute to comment on.  I can’t even tell someone I don’t want to be their Facebook friend (you’ll see), how in the World will I be able to tell them their baby is ugly?).  And then I want to tell you by “liking” the picture, I don’t want to go pretend to want to hold it.

While there isn’t anything I love more than a good Facebook argument, I get very easily annoyed on Facebook.  I hate when people will send me a comment or something, and then say “hey, did you see my comment?”  Sure did, Ace.  Problem is, it wasn’t very funny, so I couldn’t write anything back.  Similar to when people ask me if I got their email.   You sent a read receipt.  If I had something to say back to you, I would have, now get off my phone, you’re interrupting Pandora.

I block people like its going out of style.  I used to “unfriend” people, but I got called out on that a few times.  After the initial shock that some actually realized I “unfriend-ed them” (I’d have no idea if I was un-friended.  Unless it was by like, my father – and don’t you do it Dad or I’ll tell Mom on you!); I’d sheepishly make an excuse that I must’ve done it by accident or because there was a glitch.  For some reason, I feel guilty telling someone “you and I met 15 years ago, and I honestly don’t know you” or “truth be told, I don’t find you very interesting” or, even worse “I don’t like you in person, why do I have to like you on Facebook?”

So, I wind up “re-friending” these creeps (is that even a word?).  And then block you.  Sometimes, if I really want to punish them, they won’t be allowed to see any of my pictures.  Trust me, that’s a huge loss.  What I’m really doing is saving myself from having to read your mind-numbingly boring updates about your doggie making a poo, or your broken finger nail.  How arrogant are you, that you’d think anyone truly cares you filled your car up with gas? 

Hint: we don’t.  And the people who DO care or comment on those mundane things are just as bizarrely socially awkward as you.

One of my favorite unfriending stories was my exboyfriend – who I dated when I was in college, and we broke up years and years ago.  I didn’t want to be his friend in the first place, so when he friend requested me, I begrudgedly accepted, waited the traditional three days, and deleted him.  Well, his mom emailed me on Facebook, asking me why I didn’t want to be his friend anymore, and why I thought he was still single.  They must’ve caught me on a good day because I had no qualms telling them what I thought:

“He and I aren’t friends in real life.  And he’s a douche-bag.  Do you really want to ask his ex girlfriend why he is single?  I can give you a list, but I think there’s a limit as to how many words this email can contain”

Strangely enough, I think she defriended me afterwards.  B-tch.

Keep the Christ in Christmas, B!tch.

One of my favorite things to say to people.

Its funny, you always hear about how the holidays are coming earlier and earlier.  We see Halloween decorations at Labor Day, Thanksgiving decorations at Halloween and ::gasp:: Christmas decorations BEFORE Thanksgiving.

no kidding.  Christmas in the city is like Christmas on f*cking steroids, there’s holiday cheer everywhere –

with the exception of the people in the city.

People are AWFUL when they shop.  Awful.  Holiday’s truly bring out the best in people.  When they’re not complaining about people saying “Merry Christmas” instead of “Happy Holidays!” they’re knocking down a kid for the last stocking.

Now me? I’m going to say “Merry Christmas” – because that’s what I celebrate.  If I know that you’re Jewish, and you celebrate Hanukkah, I’m more than happy to say “Happy Hanukkah“, but don’t tell me that I need to be politically correct for the sake of others.  If you don’t like what I have to say about my faith, belief, or holiday, then just don’t ask me.  Cause I’m not asking you about yours.

While we’re on THAT particular soapbox, if I say the Pledge of Allegiance, I’m damn well going to say “Under God“.  That’s what I learned.  If you don’t want to say “under God” just mumble something.

Anyway, the other day I was at the store picking up some wrapping paper and what not, and the line was LONG.  But it’s the last shopping weekend before Christmas…so a rational person would assume that’s the reason why, and the lines would be long.

Not the person behind me, apparently.  Literally, the second she got on-line she started sighing and complaining (loudly) about how long the line was.  Honestly, if she only said it once, I probably would have let her get in front of me, but she started crowding me.  Which I love (love when strangers touch me.  really.)

Sometimes I have some holiday luck.  As we round the first turn, my buddy calls me – who’s pretty close on the obnoxious scale to me:

Buddy: whacha doin?

Me: just running an errand, picking up some stuff

Buddy: cool, are you gona be back in town for football?

Me: yea, the lines are long ::cough cough, slight pause:: No, of course its expected, its the week before the holiday.  It would be weird if I didn’t have to wait in line

Buddy: You’re making a point, aren’t you?

Me: I’ll be back in a little bit, this is my last stop and the cashiers are going as fast as they can.

Rest of my wait was in silence.

What Fresh Hell is This?

Oh. Thanksgiving Week.

First of all, let me just start off by saying that I don’t need a holiday to remind me how lucky I am.  Good family, good job, my sheer brilliance and extraordinary good looks, my humility, great tolerance for the ole sauce, ya know (blah blah blah). 

I DO, however, need a federal holiday to get the day off, so I’ll take it.

As usual, though, the week before Thanksgiving, the shakes start to set in. 

Not the “yay-I-can’t-wait-to-see-my-family-eat-a-lot-of-turkey-and-have-a-great-time” shakes or the “man-i-was-out-late-last-night-and-need-a-bloody-mary” shakes, but the “Jesus-H-Christ-Thanksgiving-is-already-here-I-haven’t-had-a-chance-to-get-a-therapist-up-to-date-of-the-bag-of-crazy-my-family-is” shakes.

Aside from the Gates of Hell opening and Lucifer‘s dog snapping at my heels, another tell tale sign the holidays are approaching is the litttttttle extra touch of neurosis in the conversations I have with my dear Mother, and the littttttttttttle extra grin on my friends face’s when they ask me what I’m doing for the holiday.

Please, don’t get me wrong – I love my family.  And I love spending time with them, but there’s a limit.  There’s only so long I can smile at my extended family before it starts to crack.  In the recent years, there has been some tension between a few family members.  You’d almost think my family was Protestant the way they avoid conflict, so its simply been festering.

This year, is different though.  I’m mandated to go to Second Thanksgiving (yes, I’m being forced, against my will, to eat a second meal, and nope, we’re not Greek, just annoying), but I got the green light from Poppa Bear to behave as I see fit.  I quote:

As far as expressing ourselves and saying what we feel, I see no reason not to espouse your feelings when given the opportunity.

and

So if you feel the need to tell them, please do, whether you filter it or not is up to you.  I personally believe it would not be a bad thing to do, especially  if you feel it would “clear some things up”

And if I don’t follow this advice, he told me to:

lighten up a little – Or Not, Soak a Tampon in Vodka, Insert and Enjoy

(honest to God, this is an excerpt from an actual email my pops sent me this morning. including that last bit)

The way I’m interpreting that is “say whatever you want, you’ll put on a show for us”

Let the games begin!  Perhaps this holiday season will be fun after all.  I mean, I wasn’t planning on boozing this week, but I kind of feel like it is in order.  If anyone would like to volunteer to DD for me, so I can REALLY put it out there, HMU.

By the way, this was my response to my dad:

If the opportunity arises, you can rest assure I’ll be able to convey my feelings towards them and the situation they’ve created as coherently and intelligently as possible, and I’ll try not to use the 25 cent words so they can all follow along as best they can.

Told you I was brilliant.

Things That Piss Me Off

  1. People that talk on their cell phones on the train.  Know what?  I don’t care your sister-mother is having your brother-uncle’s love child in a doublewide, save it for the house line.
  2. People that are looking at you, walking directly in your line of travel, and keep their course even though they’re on the wrong side of the sidewalk.  Get. Out. Of. My. Way.
  3. People that walk three across on the sidewalk, slowly.  If I’m walking faster than you are – holy God kick it up a notch, I am ssllllooowwwww
  4. People that don’t say “God Bless You” when you sneeze.  Watch what happens when you sneeze and lose part of your soul.  I’m not helping you get it back, sucka.
  5. People that don’t hold the door open. 
  6. People that don’t move so you can get off the elevator.  You’re catching an elbow, and if I have coffee, I’m going to spill some on you.  You brought it on yourself.
  7. People that run to catch the elevator, open the door with their hand, and then hold the door open for their slow as sh!t friend half a block away.  Really?  This is an elevator bank.  Another one will be here in 30 seconds. 
  8. People that don’t say “thank you”
  9. Hippies.  I don’t need to elaborate.  Take a shower.
  10. Anyone in my way.  That includes you.
  11. People that don’t get back to me
  12. People that ask me the same thing over and over again. Write it the f*ck down.
  13. People that ignore me when I ask them to do something, complete the initial task a month later, then ask me for something and think I’m going to do it right away.  You know who you are.
  14. People that peel oranges around me.
  15. The smell of freshly peeled oranges. 
  16. People that think because I hate the smell of freshly peeled oranges, I hate oranges.  Not true, they’re a delicious fruit.
  17. People that order a new beer when they still have one – and instead of finishing their beer, leave the old beer on the counter, unfinished.  Finish your beer jerk!
  18. Married men that hit on me.  Do you THINK I’m blind, you’re wearing a wedding band and “WIFE” keeps calling your cell phone.
  19. Those suit shirts that are striped with a white collar.
  20. The a$$holes that wear suit shirts that are striped, with white collars
  21. Girls that scream when they see other girls.  Stop that.