The Golden Rule…

…my parents brought me up on that, and it’s relatively easy.  “do unto others, as they do unto you”

The reason I thought of this was because my ole land lord, y’all remember her, right? Well, she called me earlier today telling me that her home owners insurance wasn’t going to cover the issue with my neighbor, dog and myself.  She retained a lawyer for 5000 dollars, and was hoping I would split the fee with her. Apparently, if I split a lawyer, we will definitely win.  And the fee is reimbursed.

While I’m all for splitting payments I’m pretttttttty sure she is, what I like to call “full of sh-t”.

I don’t recall getting any instruction of pending lawsuits against me. And I’m not exactly a ghost, my name and number aren’t private, neither is my address. Or the rest of my family, we all share a last name, and there’s probably about 78 thousand of us floating around Gotham.

Methinks she’s upset she’s getting sued, and she wants me to chip in by trying to make me believe I am getting sued as well.

Advice: no one will put a judgment against you without you knowing. They’ll find you. Don’t do anything until they do.

She was clearly banking on the fact that even though I have a giant ego, and I’m a narcissist oddly enough, I occasionally have a soft heart, but I’m not going to let some old broad try and scam me!

The situation got grossly out of hand when she started acting like a child and egging the neighbors car, house, property. And her threats to kill him and his dog, I’m sure didn’t help.

In any event, it’s not my problem until it’s actually my problem. And I’m not giving that crazy broad any more money, she was a horrible landlord who cut abundant corners in the upkeep of her house, our apartment (and herself).

Karma can be quite a bitch, I’m so curious how her situation will turn out, and his.

I kinda want to go on Judge Judy though. If THAT is going to happen I am on board, I’d be a goddamn super star on that show.


just when you thought the old landlord was gone…

that crazy bitch strikes again.

Last weekend while I was preparing for my debut at the Case Race my phone rings – Caller ID notes it was my old Landlord.

Now, I’m hopped up on two 5 hour energy shots and I’ve got a purse full of beer, so I’m clearly in a great mood.

“yes, Old Broad, what can I do for you?’

I’m pretty sure she dropped the phone out of shock, ya’ll know she didn’t think I would answer.

Getting into it, apparently the old, pig-faced bastard that lived next door to me is sending her official court documents and blah blah blah blah friggin blah.

“haha oookay Old Broad, you just let me know how it turns out”.  I asked two people what they thought that meant and the consensus was she’s bored and looking to break my balls.  The other piece of advice was “if someone looks like they’re going to serve you with papers, avoid them”.  How do you know you’re getting served, you may ask?  Well, someone dunks a ball in your face.

No, not that kind of serving.  Alls I know if anyone asks me what my name is, I’m responding with “parles-tu francais? Oui?”

I knew 8 years of French would come in handy one day.

The Woman is Insane.

The “woman” I’m referring to is “Landlord”

I was traveling on business one year, in the midst of a multi state, multi trade show trip.  I’m tired, cranky, annoyed.  Ya know, the usual, and I get a call from my Landlord.

Dreading the call; I reluctantly answer.

“Hello??  Hi.  Its me. Listen, I think the battery on your car is dead”. 

Well that’s interesting.  I don’t recall giving you permission to drive my car.

Me:  You don’t say.  Care to tell me how you found that out?

Landlord: Well yea, I wanted to move your car, so when I tried to turn it on, it didn’t work.

Me:  Oh.  I don’t remember getting a call from you about that.  Weird, my service must’ve been out.  How did you get my keys?

Landlord: Well, I went downstairs to drop off your dog and I figured when I was there, I would move your car, so I found your keys.

Me: What do you mean – drop off my dog?  Where was she?

Landlord: Oh, I brought her upstairs.  She was barking so I went to give her chips…

Me: Chips?

Landlord: Yea, I saw them in the cabinet

Me: Audible Sigh

Landlord: Anyway, I heard her barking, gave her chips and when she finished I brought her upstairs.  She made herself right at home and ran around and had a great time!

Me: Okay.  Listen, I’m not really comfortable with anything now.  You shouldn’t take my dog anywhere, you shouldn’t go through my cabinets, giving her people food, and you shouldn’t  drive my car!

Landlord: I just felt so bad for the barking! You know I love dogs….

Me: yes. Also, please do not drive my car without my permission. Chances are, you were not stepping on the clutch properly, and it didn’t start. I’m not thrilled that you were able to find my car keys either

Landlord: Oh I didn’t look for them they were just on the counter


Me: yes, I think you’re missing the point. I appreciate you trying to help, but we do need to establish some boundaries

The conversation continued on for a few minutes from here, but I would like to applaud myself for not yelling. I call Sunshine to recap, and we’re discussing when…

Landlord: “Sunshine! Sunshine! Can I talk to you? I think Buttercup’s mad at me”

Sunshine: (to her) “Why do you think that?” to me “I hate you she’s down here and now she’ll never leave”

Me: hahaha, send her my best

I have to admit, I did feel a little bad for Sunshine having to deal with the landlord for a full week…