pump, pump…pump it up

Everyone who enjoys working out has gym grips (etiquette, people in the gym, all that).  I’m no exception, of course.  I can’t stand people at the gym.  I’ve belonged to my fair share of gyms – my personal favorite being the Powerhouse gym I used to go to in Queens.  It was this big, two level gym that had weights.  And you went there to work out.  And it was run by these smokin hot twins who were covered in tattoos.  Sure, it closed down for a few days because of an “alleged steroid drug bust” (whatever) but they comped us those days…so I’m cool with that. 

Now, I’ve belonged to both gyms in the town I live in (not at the same time, of course) so I can easily compare the two.  I stopped going to one because the building we moved into had a gym, which served its purpose for a while.  After a while I got bored of watching pastey old doughboys bicep curl the 10 pound weights, grunting, sweating, and watching television.  Give me back my commercial gym!

  1. No One Cares What You’re Lifting.  No one.  Unless you’re making a friggin scene at the gym.  If you spend five minutes preparing to deadlift, and grunt while you’re doing it, and only have 2.5 pound weights on the bar…you’re an idiot and you deserve to get stared at.  
  2. Don’t get in other people’s way.  Its so annoying.  Its like when you’re walking down the street, and you just stop, and then someone walks into your back.  Pay attention to the people around you!  Don’t be an idiot.
  3. Don’t come to the gym looking like a hobag sweetie.  Cmon.  If you can come to the gym in full makeup, and not ruin it when you’re working out – either you have the most wonderful, streak proof/water proof/sweat proof makeup in the world – or you’re not working out and you’re trying to be cute.  
  4. Don’t stink.  If you don’t understand, then you’re one of the people who stink – get deodorant.
  5. A few weeks ago I was working out with a friend of mine and we were setting up the military press rack when some guy comes over.  “I had my water there, I’m about to use the machine”.  FIne.  We strip our weight, and step back.  Homeboy went and took his sweet ass time – about five minutes between each set.  He wandered around between sets, talked to his friends, all the stuff you do at a gym.  He didn’t let us work in with him and KNEW we were waiting….and then didn’t strip his weights when he was done.  Don’t do that.
  6. Put. Yo Shit.  Away.  Sure, I have OCD and my weights are all racked in order.  And I fix them.  But you don’t have to do that.  Just don’t leave them on the floor.
  7. Wipe. Yo Shit. Down.  There’s nothing more repulsive than walking up to a bench and seeing a big, wet, ring of sweat.  You’re disgusting.
  8. Unless you want to know what a 25lb plate to the back of the head feels like, sweetheart, don’t eyeball me.  That should actually be rule #1.  Oh!  And if you’re one of them shredded boys, take off your shirt when you do pull ups. Thats rule #1A.