Ain’t No Sugar Coats Here

A few weeks ago, a friend asked me for my opinion.  She prefaced it with “I am asking you this because I know you are going to tell me the truth, even if I don’t want to hear it”.  And she’s right.  While I never set out to hurt anyone’s feelings (friends and family), I’m not the girl you turn to if you want someone to “yes” you, or agree with you.

We all have those friends, or those people in our lives – and we need them.  Sometimes I just need someone to say “yes, Jo, eat that entire pint of Ben and Jerrys Nutella Core Ice Cream.  You had a salad for lunch and walked the dog today so it totally burned off those calories” not “eesh…thats like 1700 calories, you know its bikini season, right?”.  But when we come down to the important things – career, advice, family, financial, marriage – if you’re doing something stupid and you don’t want to hear it, just don’t involve me in your plans.  I’ll even listen to you after it blows up, and try to help you…I’ll never say “I told you so” but deep down inside I’m thinking “I wish you just listened to me in the first place”.

I’m not unreasonable.  I know that people don’t always follow logic.  I know that you are buying a new car for $60,000 and a $500 a month car payment that eats gas and costs an arm and a leg in insurance because you really, really want it…even though you’re on a tuna fish and ramen noodle budget…I just cannot physically tell you its a good idea.  My tongue will literally turn around, crawl down my throat and choke me before I tell you its okay to wear creamsicle taffeta overlay on a corset to work.

Not OK

Not OK

 

This can become a problem, though.  One that’s been detrimental to my friendships and relationships.  It has been, on more than one occasion.  Enough of a problem that I’ve considered biting my tongue sometimes and just not saying what I felt.

Considered…but won’t.  If I become that girl who censors herself because she might be afraid her friends won’t see it for what it is – straight concern for the people I love – then my friends won’t be able to put their faith in what I’m saying to them, all the time, is honest.

I still won’t break your horns for eating ice cream though.  IF you bring me a spoon and share.

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freak-flypaper

My friend’s often joke that I am a magnet for weird f-cking people.  And they’re right – I have no idea why, or how it happens, but where ever you put me, if there is a jerk or a creep there, they will ultimately wind up talking to me, sitting next to me, or getting on my nerves.

Yesterday I stopped by the grocery store on my way home from work – I needed lettuce and Klondike bars (can’t resist a sale).  For some reason, the supermarket was MOBBED.  I go there before 6, and it wasn’t Senior Citizen day, so I don’t know where all these people came from, but it was packed.

I opt for self check out because I’m not ringing up anything that’s complicated (40 cans of cat food, weird vegetables, ethnic food), I simply have Klondike bars, a couple of bags of lettuce, salad dressing and a steak.  The chic in front of me had a lot of stuff, so I waited for her to finish and bag the majority of her items before I started scanning.

Of course, the scanner jammed on everything I swiped.  And each time, the check-out-helper had to come scan her card so I could continue.  I turned around and apologized to the fella behind me, who gave me a sympathetic look and said “I don’t think you want to be here any more than I do, its okay.  I just started shopping for myself anyway, so this is interesting.”

BOOM – enter the witch behind him – who peers over his shoulder and loudly says “I hope YOU don’t make as many mistakes as SHE did when you ring up” – sneering at me.

I simply shake my head and say to him “You’ll find that grocery shopping brings out the best in people.  Good luck!”

The Cheesecake Trials

We’ll delve into my own personal, single life later – and ya’ll won’t be disappointed.  As surprising as it is to believe, I AM single and I DO have a potpourri of personalities from boyfriends/dates/stalkers past.

But this, this story is not me.  I only had the pleasure of hearing it second-hand from a friend of mine, killing time on the train the other day.

**Preface: when I’m on the train, I am as unapproachable as possible.  I’m talking, fake sleeping, fake reading, fake listening to the iPod.  It’s not that I don’t like talking to people, I just don’t want to get stuck in a conversation with someone lasting an hour (or more, if there are delays) when I know we’re going to run out of things to talk about after about 5 minutes**

Moving right along.  My buddy spots me on the train and slides in next to me with: You know women are crazy, right?  As his opener.  Jackpot, I can listen to this.  I bite, and say “Oh, I’m sure you had a hand in whatever happened, but tell me why you think that”

Turns out he met a chic at the grocery store (now, I always hear rumors that the grocery store and the coffee shops are a hot spot to meet people, but I never believe it.  I always think about when I’m at the grocery store – messy, disheveled, coupons flying everywhere, not in control of my shopping cart – but I guess I’m wrong) and they started talking.  He said she seemed nice enough, so they made plans to hang out that Sunday afternoon at a chain restaurant not too far from where we live (think: step up from Applebees, step down from a real restaurant).

They meet, and the first thing he notices is her blackened, dead tooth: “C’mon.  Its 2011.  You’d think she’d get that sh-t fixed by now”.  And her jacked up feet: “First time I met her she had on sneakers, now she’s in flip-flops.  It was awful.  Just awful.”

Ha, now I know here’s where I’m supposed to say “Don’t be so superficial”, but I can’t, because I agree with him.  Keep your jacked up feet in check, ladies, no one likes nasty toes.  The tooth – idk, maybe she just doesn’t have dental.  But when you’re dating, you’re essentially marketing yourself, and if you can’t keep the corns to a minimum…no ones buying, kid.

Apparently it was clear relatively quickly into the date that there wasn’t going to be a second one.  No animosity (fingers crossed he didn’t comment on her toes), they just weren’t feeling it.  They power through dinner and ask for the check.

At the beginning of the afternoon, she had mentioned that she ordered a cake before they got there (hint: this place is most likely known for their desserts) for a friend’s birthday, and asked the waiter to bring it out with the bill.  After watching the bored expressions on their faces and their constant phone checking during the meal, the waiter must have assumed they were a couple, so he brought everything in a combined check. 

Dinner: 50 beans, Cake: 65.

My friend isn’t cheap, but he’s also not a sucker.  He isn’t going to pay for a cake, for some broad, who’s having a party he wasn’t invited to, so he asks the waiter to put dinner on his bill and give this chic a separate check. You can guess what happens here – the waiter mistakenly charged him for the entire bill and asked them to work it out so he didn’t have to get a manager involved.

I’m not always the most reasonable person, but even I would get the money for this dude – even if I had to hit an ATM.  This broad tosses him some attitude and finally says “fine.  Follow me, I have money in my car.”  They get up to leave, head towards the door when…

she falls out in a dead on sprint, cake in hand, cuts off a family at the door and bolts to her car.  You can re-read that if you want, cause I had to ask him to repeat it. 

“Shut UP.  What did you do!” (my buddy is a big dude – all ripped up.  Not the sprinter type though, but I was secretly hoping he ran after her, tripped her, and sat on her back eating the cake with his giant, meat hook hands)

“I just stood there, in shock”.  Weak Sauce.

Here’s the kicker – the next morning she sent him a text “You’re a really nice guy, but I don’t think that we should date.  I didn’t really feel like we had much there”